Conversations with Myself

The pain of being in a foreign country and not understanding the language can shut your confidence and keep you locked in the house and depressed for days.  I experienced sad moments, where I returned from the tram station because I don’t know how to use the paying machine.  I have encountered many bad attitudes in stores and more.  I never shy away from asking, that does not help much in France. I don’t want to generalise, but French people that I have met are not friendly.  Worse in winter season.

I never gave it much attention because I learned long time ago to have positive reaction in negative situations.  And I was a very happy girl in a foreign land.  Now this day, the situational involved pretty girl and no positive mantras were able to snap me out of the negative state.  So I was now a sad girl in a foreign land.

This particular day I just had it.  I am not writing this for sympathy, I’m only writing to confess the time I failed as a parent then forgive myself and let it all be in the past.  And I also want to remember in years to come that France was not all about exotic vacations but also tacking real life issues.  

I woke up to a normal day and went on to drop Muli at school. Just when we enter the school premises,  every child was dressed up in character costumes.  Muli was excited and kept on showing me character costumes that were intriguing her.  The fun stopped when we entered her class.  She now realised all kids were dressed up, but her.

    

She started demanding something from her bag, thinking that I have her costume in the bag.  But the was nothing in the bag.  The look on my child’s eyes was just too much to bear.  I could see anxiety and frustration all over her dark-brown eyes, not knowing how to fit in to a group of excited toddlers.   She was reaching out for me to save her and I was helpless.  She did not want to enter the class without me.  I tried to explain to the teacher who casually said  “we will give her something to wear”.  The teacher picked her up and told her she has a dress for her.

Ok that was too much, by the time I got home I cried myself out.  I cried a lot. I  cried because I failed my precious girl.  All past and present sad experiences in France came flooding in my mind and left no room for positive mantras.

I failed as a parent!

I cried because in the past few days before this incident, I could pick up signs that Muli was not happy at school.  I always find her surrounded by kids and playing nicely but once she gets home she become impatient. And that was all my fault.  I introduced her to a group of strangers who speak foreign language all day.  My child was adjusting to being DISAVANTAGED.  Disadvantaged because she cant speak the language and obviously cant follow instructions in class.

I cried because I gave her a lot of attention, kisses and hugs but all was not enough.  I was failing her.

I cried because I should have known about the event at school.

I cried because we (me and cullo) put Muli into all these horrible situations and I just made it worse.

The truth is I was never told about the event at school.  When I asked other parents they said the day is known in French and others said their kids reminded them.  And Muli’s teacher said she told all kids in class.  But nevertheless I FAILED HER!

After I have cried enough and came to my senses I thought of two solutions. Is either I go fetch my kid from school and we go rock the mall, have ice cream and buy toys OR I go buy the dress and take it to school to make up for feeling so awful.  I chose the latter.  I could have gone and fetched her but it was not going to make her good nor me. I was going to feel like a victim of circumstances.

Instead I went to buy her the shiniest princess dress and a crown.  And went back to school during lunch time.  I found her dressed up, which made me want to weep some more, but I did not.   Instead I held my precious, pretty girl in my arms and told her that I made a huge mistake and I am so sorry.  I have come to apologise and make things right.

I dressed her up in a new dress and put crown on her heard and told her she is the prettiest girl.   She said ‘Muli is a princess’ and ran out of the class with a beaming smile, showing off her dress to  friends.  I thanked the teachers for giving her something to wear.

I have always wished for a day where I will be a perfect parent and be able to meet all my daughters needs.  But I have learned,  that day will never come because It is only God who can meet all our needs.  God’s power is made perfect in my weakness. 

2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  If God’s unmerited favour is sufficient for Paul it must be sufficient for me, and for Muli too.  He will carry me through in my weakness.

“It is within the journey of motherhood that a woman will discover how strong she really is.”

Take care,
Nez